Awakened

Courage

Some pivotal events have occurred in the past few days that have jostled me out of my outer world and into my inner healing and growth.
All for a reason.

I have been muddling along in my work mode, my needing to be accepted mode and my inner sanctum has been neglected for a month well OK or two.

I have been in Cali since October and the life change, in the beginning, was challenging in a way I had not expected, or shall we say the change brought up feelings of why, why, why and what the hell was I thinking, amongst a load of other emotions that I still don't understand but I am still here. 

Truth, I have been drawn here for a reason. I felt a pull and I listened to my inner voice and made the jump.  I am trusting.

Okay, so this brings me to the events of the past few days that have moved me to get off of facebook and it's "quick" quotable growth, which is what I am calling it.  I read the short "jaunts of freedom" that I am a fan of, post the ones that move me and move on with life.  This is how I have been staying in touch with what I thought was working on myself in an easy way, a quick fix so to speak.  It works in increments, maybe it sinks in who knows, but it is not for long term. 

Anyway, I met a man. And I felt my inner angst crawling to the surface and my heart caving in.  I have made promises to myself, rules, a list of wants, and needs  and I want to stick to them, to stay single, to learn, meet, grow and build a new life, the one that I have wanted for a long time, the one that I have yearned for, tasted but never lived.  While I have never been one to stick to a plan for long, sigh, I planned on sticking to this so that I can be a strong woman, a giving woman, a loving in a healthy way woman.  It is so important to me.  And then I find this connection that I am not too sure is true. But, my heart is climbing in, too quickly, as per the past. Or maybe I am more open to the love and feeling it.  Whatever the reason, I am thankful for this opportunity and to his plans, trust.. faith.

A Sunday, a happy joyful, very tiring Sunday past.  I met a new friend, chatted for a few hours, laughed and shared a life lived, his, mine and then the texts came in.  And, so I left this new friend to find the truth in the texts, so to say, to find the pain and she said, there has been a death, a suicide which coincides with a painful relationship or two, maybe three which then webs out into a group which touches the families inside this group and so it was, a friend in need drew me out myself and thoughts of this new man and the heart drenching and into my growth and healing.  I woke up.  And, tho, my heart cannot feel this pain of theirs like I want it too, I feel numb to it all still, I am here with it and them.

And then, following this gut wrenching news and the pain on the other side of the phone, in the middle of the country, far from physical reach, I chose to see him again.

I felt him. I connected to him. I touched his life, his skin, felt his breath, saw into his eyes many times and he drew me in with his smile, his voice, his words, his life pleasures and wants and his lips and warmth.  It's a silly thing how I feel comfortable with people so easily, most people not all people but this comfort was different, or was it?

Is it real?

I feel his needs for life, his loneliness, his yearnings to have a mate, his loss of a wife, his comfort and self confidence, his strength, his courage....

Mark Nepo:   Courage, what does it mean? In Spanish this translates as what does it want to say? In Spanish this means whatever holds meaning is alive and has its own vital authority and demands us to be in relationship to it in order to learn its meaning. Experience meaning- meaning can only be revealed by listening to the life waiting in the voice of every thing and only by staying in relationship to that living voice will we experience meaning in our days.

I am stronger now. But, I am not ready to be involved so deeply with my love heart.  I want to get to know the inner thoughts of this man, and see if he has what I need. As I sit here writing this, I laugh. So clueless and stupid I am.  God led this man to me out of the clear blue sky, literally.. a hike I was destined to go on and I met him at the end of the night with a clear solid connection and comfort. And, as I write this I wonder, "what does he want from me"? "What am I able to give to him"? Why now my higher loving being? I am seeing red flags all around him, things I don't like, things that trigger old habits, things that I am not sure of but I have only known him a week and it feels like he and I have known each other for years and years and yet... I am not comfortable with him. I am not yet sure but I do know that I want to have many connections with him but I also want connections with so many others, others I have yet to meet. I am open to a relationship with many to learn and grow and succeed.

And, so trust and faith make an appearance in the love area.

I have to be open to relationships and not close up and run. The past may have revealed many lies to me and my thoughts on sex and men but I have to be sure. Because it is painful there and I want so much more from a man.  I promised myself that I would be friends first, have many conversations first, feel the depth inside my mind first, feel the connection and the love and longing first before I acted on my sexual needs and wants, before I responded to a mans yearnings. So, I can back it up and be solid with my convictions and be happy with myself and my heart and my promises. Can I do this? Will I be capable.

The past few days have opened me to a new level of understanding. I am so grateful for it, unfortunate that a life was lost but she will teach many and it will be a blessing in a way, not a cruel blessing but a lesson blessing. And, him, well, he will be one of many and I will grow and heal and love and touch.

Peace & Love

When I loved myself enough...

When I loved myself enough I quit settling for too little.
When I loved myself enough I came to know my own goodness.
When I loved myself enough I began taking the gift of life seriously and gratefully.
When I loved myself enough I began to know I was in the right place at the right time and I could relax.
When I loved myself enough I felt compelled to slow down way down. And that has made all the difference.
When I loved myself enough I came to love being alone surrounded by silence, awed by its spell, listening to inner space.
When I loved myself enough I came to see I am not special but I am unique.
When I loved myself enough I redefined success and life became simple. Oh, the pleasure of that.
When I loved myself enough I came to know I am worthy of knowing God directly.
When I loved myself enough I began to see I didn't have to chase after life. If I am quiet and hold still, life comes to me.
When I loved myself enough I gave up the belief that life is hard.
When I loved myself enough I came to see emotional pain is a signal I am operating outside truth.
When I loved myself enough I let the tomboy in me swing off the rope in Jackass Canyon. Yes! (and I skydived :))
When I loved myself enough I learned to meet my own needs and not call it selfish.
When I loved myself enough the parts of me long-ignored, the orphans of my soul, quit vying for attention.  That was the beginning of inner peace. Then I began seeing clearly.
When I loved myself enough I began to see that desires of the heart do come, and I grew more patient and calm, except when I forgot. :)
When I loved myself enough I quit ignoring or tolerating my pain.
When I loved myself enough I started feeling all my feelings, not analysing them really feeling them. When I do, something amazing happens. Try it. You will see.
When I loved myself enough my heart became so tender it could welcome joy and sorrow equally.
When I loved myself enough I started meditating every day. This is a profound act of self-love.
When I loved myself enough I came to feel like a gift to the world and I collected beautiful ribbons and bows. They still hang on my wall to remind me.
When I loved myself enough I learned to ask 'Who in me is feeling this way?' when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad. If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love.
When I loved myself enough I no longer needed things or people to make me feel safe.
called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.
When I loved myself enough I gave up perfectionism that killer of joy.
When I loved myself enough I could tell the-truth about my gifts and my limitations.
When I loved myself enough I quit answering the telephone when I don't want to talk.
When I loved myself enough forgiving others became irrelevant.
When I loved myself enough I could remember, during times of confusion, struggle or grief, that these too are part of me and deserve my love.
When I loved myself enough I could allow my heart to burst wide open and take in the pain of the world.
When I loved myself enough I started picking up litter on the street.
When I loved myself enough I could feel God in me and see God in you. That makes us divine! Are you ready for that?
When I loved myself enough I started writing about my life and views because I knew this was my right and my responsibility.
When I loved myself enough I began to see my purpose and gently wean myself from distractions.
When I loved myself enough I saw that what I resisted persisted like a small child tugging my skirt. Now I am curious and gentle when resistance comes tugging.
When I loved myself enough I learned to stop what I am doing, if even for a moment, and comfort the part of me that is scared.
When I loved myself enough I learned to say no when I want to and yes when I want to.
When I loved myself enough I saw beyond right and wrong and became neutral. At first I thought this was indifference; now I see the clarity that comes with neutrality.
When I loved myself enough I began to feed my hunger for solitude and revel in the inexplicable contentment that is its companion.
When I loved myself enough I recognised my courage and fear, my naivety and wisdom, and I make a place for each at my table.
When I loved myself enough I started treating myself to a massage at least once a month.
When I loved myself enough I realised I am never alone.
When I loved myself enough I stopped fearing empty time and quit making plans. Now I do what feels right and am in step with my own rhythms. Delicious!
When I loved myself enough I quit trying to impress my brother.
When I loved myself enough I stopped trying to banish the critical voices from my head. Now I say, Thankyou for your views' and they feel heard. End of discussion.
When I loved myself enough I let the part of me that still misses Kent feel sad instead of trying to stop her from loving him.
When I loved myself enough I began buying a hostess fruit pie for the teenager in me who loves them so. Once in a while, cherry.
When I loved myself enough I quit trying to be a saviour for others.
When I loved myself enough I lost my fear of speaking my truth for I have come to see how good it is.
When I loved myself enough I began pouring my feelings into my journals. These loving companions speak my language. No translation needed.
When I loved myself enough I stopped seeking 'experts' and started living my life.
When I loved myself enough I came to see how my anger teaches about responsibility and my arrogance teaches about humility, so I listen to both carefully.
When I loved myself enough I started eating organically grown food (except for those occasional fruit pies of course).
When I loved myself enough I could be at ease with the comings and goings of judgement and despair.
When I loved myself enough I was able to be treated to a $50 haircut and enjoy every minute of it.
When I loved myself enough I quit having to be right which makes being wrong meaningless.
When I loved myself enough I learned to grieve for the hurts in life when they happen instead of making my heart heavy from lugging them around.
When I loved myself enough I forgave myself for all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough.
When I loved myself enough things got real quite inside. Real nice.
When I loved myself enough I began listening to the wisdom of my body. It speaks so clearly through its fatigue, sensitivities, aversions and hungers.
When I loved myself enough I quit fearing my fear.
When I loved myself enough I quit rehashing the past and worrying about the future – which keeps me in the present where aliveness lives.
When I loved myself enough I realized my mind can torment and deceive me, but in the service of my heart it is a great and noble ally.
When I loved myself enough I began to taste freedom.
When I loved myself enough I found my voice and wrote this little book.

Alison McMillen